


"If He Says He Loves You"

by madamguillotine



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Confessional, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Constipation, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:41:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27724310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamguillotine/pseuds/madamguillotine
Summary: Neil wants to hear those three little words. Those little nothings that are everything. But does Todd feel the same way?
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Kudos: 23





	"If He Says He Loves You"

While school was bittersweet for Neil, having the summer off was just bitter. He normally picked up extra classes but this time, it would be just himself, his mother and… his father. But first, he had a mission. Something needed to be done.   
Neil paced back and forth in their shared dormitory, muttering “you can do this” in various forms, trying to raise his spirits to match his resolve. Todd shuffled through the door and looked up at Neil and sighed, internally.  
“Todd?” he nodded, folding his pajamas into his suitcase.  
“I’ve wanted too say this for a while. I mean, it means a lot to me you hear this. Especially before break. I mean. It’s not something I want to say. It’s something I need to say. I mean, I need you to hear it.”  
Todd blinked his cold, blue eyes slowly.  
“Todd?”  
“Yes?”  
“Please. I want your full attention.”  
Todd turned and sat on the edge of the bed facing Neil.  
“I just need to say I love you”  
Todd looked down and shifted uncomfortably, made some hasty excuses and left, the heavy words that Neil had said didn’t land gently in Todd’s ear the way he’d hoped. Instead they dropped from the sky like bricks.  
At lunch, as usual, they sat across from each other but Todd couldn’t meet Neil’s eyes. He couldn’t summon the courage to it all day. At the end of the day, Todd got quietly into bed and turned off the light without saying a word. They both lay there awake in the dark until Neil broke the silence.  
“You didn’t say it back.” He said matter-of-factly   
“Oh… Umm. I’m sure I did…”  
Neil sat bolt upright in bed. He noticed the way the moon through the open widow glinted off his eyes. He heard the rapid rise and fall of Todd’s chest as he breathed. He longed to take him in his arms and kiss him, but it wasn’t perfect. Not yet. Their first kiss should be memorable. Or something completely innocuous that a kiss will be memorable.   
“If you don’t feel the same, I wish you’d tell me instead of stringing me along”  
“No! No! I do!”  
“Then say it back.” He waited a moment. “You can’t! Can you! You’re so emotionally constipated you won’t let anyone into your personal bubble!”  
Todd sputtered for a few year-long seconds  
“Fine. Fine. I get it. You don’t love me. It’s fine.”  
The next morning’s dawn was dull and grey as they woke. The sun was diffuse and washed away like Neil’s eyes in the face of last night. He went up to the dorm after an unsatisfying breakfast there was a note on his pillow which read  
There are a million ways to say it, true  
There are a thousand ways to lose the clue  
There are a hundred ways to mean it, blood-blue  
There are dozes of ways to know it, through  
But there’s only one way to say, “I love you”  
Neil smiled and sighed a little, knowing that this was how he shares his feelings and he’ll probably never hear the words falling from Todd’s lips into his ear.  
The day had begrudgingly arrived, remarked but unheralded. It was the day that parents arrived to pick up their sons from the academy. With the teachers busy with platitudes and placating, the boys had a few moments all to themselves. Todd shut the door, while Neil obliviously packed a suitcase.  
“Seize the day” he whispered to himself.  
He strode over to Neil with as much confidence as anxiety could muster, grabbed Neil by the scruff of his lapels and brought him down into a deep kiss. They touched foreheads, panting.  
“You-we-did you-“Neil sputtered. “What was that about?”  
“Didn’t you get my note?”  
“Yes but-“  
“Anderson! Perry! Unlock this door! Your parents are here!” shouted a teacher who was banging on the door. They took no notice. This was the stage for their feelings. They could twist and turn and do aerial leaps twining in their chests.  
“I love you,” they whispered in unison.


End file.
